Movie: Friday the 13th

or… “This movie was not worth the $10 I paid to go watch it”.

Seriously. It’s so fucking cliche and predictable that you can figure out who is going to live and who is going to die. This movie would probably have been better as a comedy than a horror flick due to a good amount of comedy moments.

Spoilers and massive wall of text from here on out

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So there’s 2 groups of people to this story, the first group that’s searching for a large crop of marijuana near camp crystal lake and then there’s the group that spending the weekend partying at some douchebag’s vacation home.

The first group covers the first half of the movie so let me rant about them uh… first.

There’s 5 people in this group, 2 pairs of couples and 1 token virgin/geek. I won’t bother with names because this movie is too shitty for me to even care about their names.

Anyway, so everyone is gathered round the camp fire and geek dude decides to tell the story about how the camp got shut down due to some old had going crazy about her deformed son’s death by killing all the camp counselors or some shit like that. Couple #1 decide to go walk off on their own and end up in a dilapidated shack. Meanwhile geek dude is boring the shit out of couple #2 with some techno babble about gps and other random shit. Girl #2 decides get her lover’s attention by taking off her bra and rubbing oil on her breasts while geek dude is rambling to guy #2. Eventually guy #2 tells geek dude to leave while he goes to fuck his gal. Like the tool that he is, he leaves without taking offense to how he was brushed off and wanders off to take a piss.

Off in the woods, geek dude is taking a piss when he notices the MJ plants they were looking for. Before he could share the news to his friends, good ol’ JASON FUCKING VORHEEES shows up out of no where and kills him. Back at the camp, guy #2 is in the middle of fucking his girl inside a tent when they hear rustling outside. They figure it’s geek dude jacking off to the shadows of them having sex and tell him to knock it off. Eventually girl #2 tell her boyfriend that if he doesn’t beat the shit out of geek dude, he can’t have anymore pussy. So guy #2 goes off into the woods to search for geek dude while leaving girl #2 alone, naked, and probably scared in the tent. Guy #2 eventually finds the MJ crop and sees geek dude all dead and shit. He flips out and starts running back to girl #2.

Unfortunately for girl #2, Jason doesn’t like damaged goods and decided to kill her by hanging her upside down in a sleeping bag (or was it a tent? I can’t remember cause I was laughing my ass off) over the camp fire. Guy #2 see’s girl #2 hanging over the fire and runs toward her but before he can reach her, he gets trapped in a bear trap. He has to sit there and watch his girlfriend get cooked alive while his leg is bleeding like hell. Sucks to be you dude.

On to couple #1. They’re exploring the shack and find a bathroom that has running electricity and signs that someone has been there recently. The door behind them slams shut and the guy decides to take a peek to see if anyone is on the other side. Just as he has his head near the floor, a large machete pokes through from underneath the floor narrowly missing his head. He stumble back and tries to escape but the next attack catches his leg causing him to limp back to girl #1 who is standing in the bathtub since it’s made out of metal and not wood. Guy #1 is now crawling back to the girl after taking several stabs in both legs when Jason catches him on the abdomen then proceeds to tear out the floor and pull him in for some more STABBITY STAB action. Needless to say, the guy is fucked. The girl on the other hand, runs out of the shack and heads back towards the camp thinking her friends are alive and need to be warned about the crazy mofo stabbing people left and right.

She arrives at the camp to see girl #2’s cooked body on the ground and guy #2 trapped but the uh… trap. She tries to free the guy but before any progress can be made, Jason once again shows up like a ninja and slams the blade of his machete into guy #2’s skull. The last we see of girl #1 is her crawling backwards in fear of what Jason might do.

*Cue in title “Friday the 13th” in blood red letters*

OK… this shit is getting long so I’m gonna start cutting out minor details. It’s time for the second group

So the second group’s story takes place like about a month or more after the 1st group. We now have 8 people to deal with. 2 pairs of couples, 1 skank, 1 token black guy (tbg), 1 token asian guy (tag), and some dude searching for his missing sister from the 1st group (dude).

So, at some random gas station, dude is asking the store cashier if he could hang up a missing girl flyer when guy #1 (aka douchebag) tells him to hurry the hell up or move aside. Anyway they don’t get along. The group moves on to douchebag’s vacation home while dude continues to search for his missing sis. Dude gets pulled over by a cop and the cop tells him to give up his search cause they’ve already put in as much resources as they could but didn’t find anything. Anyway, dude continues his search and meets some redneck hick working on a wood chopper. Redneck says he nearly mistook dude as someone who has been stealing kerosine from him and says he never say the missing girl. Before dude leaves, redneck offers to sell him some MJ saying he’s found a whole crop but dude declines.

Over at douchbag’s house, he’s being a whinny bitch cause the friends he invited over (mainly the guys) are a bunch of slobs and messing up his house. Guy #2 and girl #2 decide they want to “check out the other side of the lake” so douchebag lends them his SUV but he warns guy #2 to not use his boat. Girl #1 wants to go for a walk with douchebag but since he’s being a whinny bitch she goes back in the house ticked off. Dude’s 3rd stop (I skipped the first one since it was just about an old hag with nothing important to say) happens to be douchebag’s house. Girl #1 apologises about douchebag’s behavior at the gas station and invites him inside. Once douchebag sees dude in his house, he gets all pissy and threats to use violence to kick him out. Girl #1 feels sorry for how douchebag is treating dude and offers to escort him out of the house. She notices that he drives a motorcycle so she probably thinks he’s all badass and decides to accompany him in his search for his sister at the other side of the lake.

Back at the redneck’s barn, he’s busy weighing the weed he harvested and licking the pussy of some girl on a porn mag (Hustler) when he hears some creaking upstairs and decides to go check it out. He finds nothing but when he turns around Jason is there. He manages to do some weak punches on him as well as remove the cloth that Jason has been using as a mask. Of course this pisses Jason off and he kills the redneck with his trusty machete. Just as Jason picks up his cloth mask, he finds a hockey mask and decides to wear it.

On the other side of the lake, guy #2 and girl #2 take the boat out for a spin and do some topless wakeboarding. After a while of doing some stunts, she eventually wipes out and guy #2 turns the boat around to pick her up. Before he can reach her, he get’s ARCHER LAD’d and falls on the controls causing the boat to speed up on a direct path of girl #2. She manages to move slightly to the side but she still get’s hit on the head. She’s bleeding and disoriented when she spots good ol’ Jason standing by the shore with his trusty machete waiting for her. She swims away thinking she can hide under the docks. WROOOONGGGG! Stabbity stab, Jason drives his machete through the wooden dock and straight through her skull.

Fast forward a couple hours: dude and girl 1 are exploring Camp Crystal Lake, they see Jason walking around with a dead body and decide to go warn their friends at douchebag’s house, tbg and tag are getting drunk while watching skank dance while drinking alcohol. She lights up tag’s shot of tequila with a lighter and teaches him how to drink it. Of course, the idiot forgets that lighting alcohol on fire will cause the shot glass to be hot. He burns his lips on the shot glass, falls back breaking douchebag’s father’s chair. Douchebag gets all pissy and tells him to fix it and that the tools are in the shed out back. Being drunk and all, tag wastes his time by goofing off with a basket ball then a hockey stick and promptly breaks a light bulb. Next thing we see is Jason standing behind tag. How the hell does he manage to sneak around like that? Anyway tag tries to fight him off with a screwdriver but being a skinny asian dude and all versus a big hulking whatever Jason is, he is quickly overpowered and skewered in the throat with said screw driver.

Since they have nothing better to do, douchebag and skank decide to have sex while tbg tries to masturbate to some chick on a clothing catalog. Before tbg can get into it, dude and girl #1 show up. Because tbg is high, he thinks they’re just fucking with him but then realize that they’re serious when they call for the cops. Mean while douchebag and skank are still going at it despite the fact that girl #1 is at the door telling them to come out. They definitely came with Jason watching outside 😉  Douchebag is pissed to see dude back in his house and tbg realizes that his best bro, tag, is still out there. He decided to go and check on tag. Armed with a fireplace poker and a frying pan, he ventures into the shed and follows a trail of blood to a freezer. In it, he finds frozen meat when tag’s corpse falls from the ceiling. Jason appears as well but tbg is able to fight him off and runs back to the safety of the group in the house. While tbg is running away, Jason grabs an axe and hurls it at tbg’s back. Everyone inside can hear tbg’s screams of pain but no one goes out to help him knowing that Jason is trying to bait them. Since no one took the bait, Jason turns tbg over, lifts him up in the air, then throws him into the ground causing the axe to go through tbg’s back and out his chest.

Now that all of his prey are in the house, Jason cuts out the power and phone lines causing everyone to panic. Douchebag decides to go grab his handgun upstairs and skank follows him. For reasons unknown, skank decides to check a room away from douchebag. Though she doesn’t find anything of note, Jason manages to sneak up behind her and cover her mouth while lifting her. She tries to break free until Jason gets tired of her and kills her by slamming her into a coat hook on the back of a door. Downstairs, a cop finally arrives and dude and girl #1 are about to open the door when Jason jumps down from the roof and stabs the cop in the face with an iron poker. They run upstairs and find douchebag  with a gun. They tell him what happen and they decide to get out of the house. Douchebag freaks out a every little thump he hears and randoms shoots at stuff. They discover skank’s dead body and make a run for the cop car.

Outside, they can’t find the keys to dude’s motorcycle or even the cop’s handgun. Douchebag finds the keys to the cop car but before he could get the engine started, Jason throws skank’s body onto the car causing everyone to freak and run.

Unfortunately, I missed how douchebag gets killed or why dude and girl #1 decide to run back to to the shack because I had to go to the bathroom from drinking too much cola.

So, at the shack dude and girl #1 hear screaming from underground and decide to check it. Lo and behold it’s girl #1 from the first group (aka missing girl – mg). They break her free and start running the tunnels when they spot Jason coming. Once Jason notices that mg is missing, he whips out his trusty machete and starts searching for them. The group ends up running into a dead end until dude finds a secret passage through. Dude goes first follow by mg then as girl #1 is going through, STABBITY STAB, Jason runs her through with his machete. Jason then yanks her out  and tries to go after mg and dude but the passageway is too small for him and they are out of reach. They find themselves in an old school bus that’s turned on its side. Dude gets out and offers his hand to mg to help her up but before she can take it, dude is attacked by Jason. Mg hides at the very last seat and when Jason reaches it, she kicks the crap out of it causing him to fall in the hole they climb out of from the tunnels.

Surprisingly enough, dude is still alive because Jason only beat him on the bus rather than using his favorite tool. So they run as far as they can and find them selves at the redneck’s barn. Jason catches up to them and goes after dude since mg is hiding in the shadows. Unfortunately for Jason, they have plot armor on their side and he gets killed by getting stabbed with his own trusty machete by mg and his brains gouged out by the wood chipper.

Now that it’s all over, dude and mg dump Jason’s body and mask into the lake as well as a brooch that his mother used to own. After watching the mask settle to the bottom of the lake, mg and dude are about to leave when Jason pops out from under the dock and grabs mg. The movie ends there. [/hidden]

WTF… I paid $10 to watch this shit? Give me back my time and money damn it. This movie was a rip off and I definitely recommend that people avoid watching this at the movies, hell it’s not even worth renting. Avoid it like the black plague.

Categories: Blogging

Tagged as: failure, movie, spoilers, stabbity stab, Wall of text